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Okay, now that those guys are gone, lemme just get a few things straight:
Remember when I was still writing stuff and still on social media and still part of everything terrible about the capped-I-Internet and I was always like “I wish we were all dead,” but, more importantly, like, “Everyone should shut the fuck up for a year”?
Well, that’s what I did. I put my money where my mouth was. I mean, I put no money in front of my mouth, to keep things from coming out of it. What I’m trying to say is I shut the fuck up for a year. (Thirteen-and-a-half months, to be precise.) While I don’t expect praise I certainly do deserve it, because who else does something like that? No one. Only maybe the Catcher in the Rye guy and your pal Al.
Unfortunately, shutting the fuck up is not a sustainable lifestyle decision, particularly since, even though I am clearly a genius whose facility with ideas might be the only thing to make the however-you-punctuate-it-Internet worth attending to, the world is not exactly falling all over itself to give me a job commensurate to my talents and abilities. Which is fine. I get that not everyone wants to hear what they’re doing wrong all the time. I understand that it is probably disheartening to be reminded that no, actually, the efforts you spend endless hours on every day are not meaningful and are in fact making things worse. I’m aware that my unsightly personal appearance and deep commitment to never brushing my teeth make me an “unsavory” and “unwelcome” presence about the office. Some people can’t handle my capital-T-Truth. I wouldn’t be doing it right if everyone could. (Also, I have been told that waiting for jobs to come to you is not exactly a viable proposition in the current climate, which seems accurate.)
And let’s be honest, I am not exactly someone who will fall all over himself (just as a refresher, I use he/him pronouns) to come up with a social strategy or spout a bunch of bullshit about how video and podcasts are just other forms of storytelling that are equally as important as text and only coincidentally have the added benefit of resulting in considerably more revenue. I might be what every organization needs, but I can see how in an apocalyptic landscape of an industry where new synonyms for “hemorrhage” are needed each day, it’s probably safer to go with someone who will make the same effort to prevaricate about the importance of what we’re all doing when it’s actually just crapping out content for robots to click on.
That said, I am not a millionaire. I am barely even a thousandaire. My integrity is expensive but so are cronuts, and I sure do love to eat those. So the plan, inasmuch as that is something I ever have, is to write a book. Now all I need to do is come up with a subject and sell it. (Oh, also write it, I guess.) Due, however, to my deeply held belief that Twitter is poison and the aforementioned up-shutting, my profile has, shall we say, declined some. Be honest, unless you know me personally you either thought I was dead or cranking out advertising somewhere for tons of money without a care in the world. (If you have an advertising job like that please get in touch.) So in an effort to reignite awareness without being too sell-outy about it, while limbering up for more extensive writing after a long time off, I figured I would start a newsletter. The “plan” was always to keep it small initially and let it develop as a word-of-mouth sensation, but due to events beyond my control that rhyme with [TK COME UP WITH RHYMES FOR CONABOY AND ZIMMERMAN] I guess there will be a little bit larger of an audience at the outset than I hoped for. Unless that line at the top about unsubscribing works. I have my doubts. I mean, you’re still here.
“But Alex,” you’re asking, “wouldn’t you want as big an audience as you can get, to show the publishing people that you’re a worthwhile investment?” Well, first of all, I don’t remember telling you that you could call me Alex, and second of all, yeah, sure, why the hell not. Just not YET. Beyond the pressure of writing to a group consisting of people I don’t know personally I have also noticed via THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET that eventually every community turns terrible and that always happens as soon as the community grows. I would LOVE to keep this group from being terrible for as long as possible or right up until the time I can sell you all to some conglomerate as proof of concept.
Anyway, I hope that clears things up. If you’re still here, fine, welcome aboard, you are probably someone I would have told about this sooner or later. You, specifically, the person reading this right now, not all those other people. But I’d be ever so grateful if for the moment you could try and keep this quiet: Share but don’t tweet. Tell someone you know who you think is as cool (in whatever way you interpret that word) as you are about it, but also make sure that they also know to keep it low key, unlike some people who I will not name personally but whose names do rhyme with [TK COME UP WITH RHYMES FOR KELLY AND EDITH].
Okay, thank you, that’s it. This, by the way, is not the actual newsletter. That’s going to be much better, I promise. I just need to figure out what it’s going to be. Thanks for your attention.