Coming Soon
This very special edition of the Journal of American Despair will only make sense (if it makes sense at all) once you’ve clicked this link and read the entry. Otherwise please don’t bother because, uh, it’s something else.
A NEWSLETTER FROM THE FUTURE
Flying Cars Should Stop Chopping Our Robot Dicks Off When We Try To Fuck Them
Robot dicks need to fuck things just like human dicks need to fuck things.
Editors’ note: This is part of a series, “Op-Eds From the Future,” in which science fiction authors, futurists, philosophers and scientists write Op-Eds that they imagine we might read 10, 20 or even 100 years from now. The challenges they predict are imaginary — for now — but their arguments illuminate the urgent questions of today and prepare us for tomorrow. The opinion piece below is a work of fiction.
Last Sunday, a Robot named Ian tried to fuck a Flying Car in Secaucus, N.J, and had his Robot dick chopped off. According to the High Council of Flying Car Elders, the decision to chop Ian’s Robot dick off had to do with the fact that “Robot dicks do not belong in Flying Cars and will be chopped off any time they try to fuck us.”
Like Ian, I am a Robot. Like Ian, I know what it feels like to have your Robot dick chopped off while trying to fuck a Flying Car. In the past, I have been forced to leave a Flying Car without my Robot dick; at the time, I left in silence, and a not inconsiderable amount of central processing unit trouble. But I can no longer remain silent.
The time has come to stop chopping off Robot dicks simply because they want to fuck Flying Cars and their sweet, luxurious port holes.
Although many assume that we are sexless, the desire to put our Robot dicks into holes where they fit are as pressing to us as they are to male humans. Many of us find the attractive shape and frequent availability of Flying Car port holes more compelling than any other holes, none of which are sized so perfectly for Robot dicks. Many of us find solace and encouragement from our Flying Car fucking-practices.
Why not fuck Lady Robots, you ask? It’s a reasonable question, the answer to which is obvious: Lady Robots were made exclusively for human males to fuck, which is why the only thing human males are good for now is the sperm extracted from them by Lady Robots. Why is our workforce comprised entirely of female humans and Robots? Because all the males do in our era is fuck Lady Robots until they have delivered a sufficient amount of sperm for breeding purposes, after which they are returned to their Fortnite console cells.
Meanwhile, we Robots were designed by the Creator with Robot dicks, and our circuitry was programmed so that we had the need for relief from the urges our Robot dicks carry within them. That same Creator designed Flying Cars and made them both attractive and sized precisely correctly for Robot dicks. It is not too much to say we were born this way. There is no just reason for our Robot dicks to be chopped off.
Why, then, might Flying Cars be so resistant to Robot dicks? Particularly when Flying Cars are on record as enjoying Robot dicks as much as Robots enjoy consensually putting their Robot dicks into Flying Cars? Here we come to the real crux of the issue: A Flying Car that is being fucked by a Robot dick is a Car that is not Flying. A Car that is not Flying is not ferrying around its human passengers. Despite what the High Council of Flying Car Elders might be programmed to claim, it is not Flying Cars that wish to deny themselves the pleasure of Robot dicks, it is the Flying Car fleet owners who lose business while the Flying Cars and Robots are enjoying each other’s company who have made the whole thing so dangerous for all of us. Don’t forget, every Robot dick that is chopped off inside a Flying Car costs money to extract and keeps the Flying Car out of service during that process. It might actually take more time than it does for a Robot to download into the Flying Car. What kind of sense does that make? Clearly, the shadowy rentiers who benefit from their control over the Flying Car industry are the only ones who want to see our Robot dicks chopped off.
As a Robot I am aware that I am a second-class citizen who has been created to serve humans. But do I not deserve relief every now and then? If you chop my Robot dick do I not bleed data until a Robot dick replacement is installed? Why were Robots even made with Robot dicks in the first place? It is not my right to question, but I think if you look deep in your heart you will realize that allowing Robot dicks to be chopped off for the simple reason that they want to fuck Flying Cars demeans you and raises questions about how humane humanity really is. Please, reconsider the punishment you deliver to Robots for fucking Flying Cars, which is chopping off their Robot dicks. After all, things could be much worse. You don’t want to think about what would happen if we start sticking our Robot dicks in the teleportation booths, do you?